old soul. . .
today realized. . ."the greatest of souls bares the heavyest of burdens". . .could this be my truth? for i know that which i have endured hath been much weighted. . .my life has been far from simple nor easy. i fear how much more i must endure, and wonder why i have met with what hardships i already have. . .for they weigh upon my soul tremendously as well as continually. . .i find a speck of enlightenment in the experience shared with me today. . .is it true, could it be that because i have been tryed so greatly, that it is for i am actually "great"? dare i let myself be defined in anything but the most negative of senses. . .i fear to do so, for i know not what that would mean for me. . .i take sick comfortin my: dispair? darkness? discomfort? misery? horrible life?. . .why do i enjoy this so?. . .i cannot answer for i know not. . .is what i "know", that being nothing but the worst, untrue. . .i could only hope so. . .but i fear that it is untruth. . .

WE'RE GONNA DIE LIKE THIS YA KNOW
I AM A CONTRADICTION . . .FAGGOT. . .BREEDER. . . what am i? the best of both worlds comes with much anguish! . . . dont question me, i know who i am. . .i am MYSELF. . unique in such a way that i am. . .unapreciatable!

in solitude i dispair. . .
when accompanied by another i can be somewhat content, as if i can find salvation in the presence of another. i find repreave from the depths of my darkness, as i temporaraly bask in the light that is the connection made with another soul. in part i connot help but doubt, and think this is yet another pathetic attempt on my part to feel loved through simple, basic interaction. . .so insecure. . .alone i repress yet again into that which haunts me so. . .solitude. why so i feel so inept, for cannot i control my depression. . .the answer reveals itself in my obvious inability to do so. . .

letting go, self disillusion, and painted nails. . .
my biggest trouble may be that i have to let go, and that i can not. but i will. . . i shall, at least, make the attempt for if i do not i will be forever unable to do so, handicaped. as i try my hardest to control that form which inside me haunts i shall endure much trial and error. . .i can no longer afford to attempt to forciblely create relationships at the unrealistic speed at which i wish the to exist. . .kevin, i let go. . .the burden as it may be to become more than just the great friend that you have been to me, i now lay at rest. . .the fact lay in your hands. i will no longer continue to pursue the relationship that i want with you. . .for although i want it so much, i know that i will only suceed in pushing you farther away with my continual pursueance. for though i want it so badly, i know that in order to achieve what i want i must. . .let go. . .

i have lied. . .there are three (main) modes of lying. . .blatent, though omitance, and to your self. . .i have lied to myself. though i though i no longer could want to love my ex in any other manner than as the best of friends, i was so dreadfully wrong. i am utterly unable to resist the fact that i would, under any circumsatance, reestablish the love that i have soo deeply for him. . . i could not resist him. . . he, in his hands, hold my immortal heart and soul. this terrible power that only i have granted him, shall control me eternally. . .and struggle though i have, not able am i to revoke nor redeem it from him. i know that he wants it not, for love me he also will never. . .and with this ever saddening fact, i know that careing lees is impossible for him to do. the pain that this causes me is eternal, and i fear that it will be with me, change me forever. i degrade my being for the simplistic reason that i have no control over the wat in which i feel. . .what can i do but sit by haplessly and wait in ruin for a salvaton that i fear will never come. . .

so i have started once again to paint nails thier natural black . . . long time no see. the progression of my expression of individualize should be far more progressed. instead it has been stunted by the incessant detriment by my parental units. . .for too long have they prevented me from being who i truely am, this in turn has taught me that who i am is not an ok to be. why must the most influential of lifes lessions be the most subtle. i know not, but that is but one of lifes many truths. . .

. . .fallen. . . easy bake love?
"i have fallin for you . . .your such a great person and you have been so absolutly great to me. . .ill never understand why but i know that i am not good enough for you. . .i want so badly to be "with" you but i know that you dont feel the same way. . .i am too ashamed of my feelings to come straight out and just ask you out. . .i am ashamed because we havent even met in person and i already have these feelings. . .theyre not naaturally, im soo fucked up in the head i cant stand it and it drives me insane" . . . how utterly sorry of a person could i be. i have know this guy for not even 3 weeks and i have such strong feelings for him. . .i dare not say love, but a vey strong like will suffice. how could i possibly imagine that anybody but myself culd hope for love so fast. . .nobosy, only in my fucked up head could such dreams be concocted in to such demented reality. . .its just he has been so perfect, and i so undeserving. . .i could only hope to one day find a love as perfect as i wish his could be for me. so very undeserving. where do i go from here? im so lost somevody save me . . .i cannot save myself, but it is possibly better you let me drown. . .

god kill me now for i hate myself to no end
i hate it when people think that they know me sooo well. . .they think that they just know whats going on inside this fucked up head of mine, that they can just disect and analyze me. . .they cannot, do not attept to get inside my head and relate to me, it is too dark a place. . .i am a shitty person. . .when i get frustrated i get pissed,when i get depressed i get evil. . . i snap at the people around me and want only to push people away, that is how fucked up i am. . .i attack and attempt to hurt the people that want only to help me, and if they are nice to me in return it only fuels my rage and i get increasingly more horrible. . .i am the most evil and ugly of persons, i cannot bare to look at myself for i am to horrible, i should be killed. i am a walking contradiction for i say i want not but love, yet know not how to accept it, i feel utterly pathetic, unfit to be called a human being. . .i cannot help but feel that i am so unlikeable and this is only one of the many reasons why. . .i do not understand how anyone could want to assocciate themselves with me, much less attempt to be my friend. i use the word attempt cause once again as i beg for love, i only continue to push it away. . .fuck me, i hate who i am and can no longer live with myself. . .how much longer shall i put myself and others though my misery. . .not much. . .

razor blade romance and endless addiction
so my ex is talking to me again, kinda. . .i am so afraid. i know not what to do for i want to grab a hold and hold this connection for dear life, but i know that if i do so that i will only suceed in pushing him away. . .i have, for countless days and night, waited to hear from him just one last time, and now that i have, i find myself most unprepared. what do i do. . .i can only wish that he could find it inside of him to want the same that i do. . .pure and simple friendship. . .i want so badly to mean anything that could tear us even farther apart i love him. . .i could never stop loving him. . .but there is a difference in loving someone and being in love with them. . .and i think this is the perfect example of that, even if i am unable to define it tangilbly. . .

http://soulesschild.hiveports.com/love.html -for you maximillian

well duh. . .
so aparrently im uptight. . .i knew that. . .
him: im decided that
him: your too uptight

me: oh?

him: yes you are
him: you need to chill out

me: sorry i suck so much

him: no you dont
him: lol well obviously im not that cool, cause im so fuckin uptight
him: your just uptight, you need to loosen up(HAHAHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHA you probaly wont get why im laughing well you might but its also something else) you cant take a joke
him: you need to chilax
him: or relax?
him: opps didnt mean the ?

me: w/e i know im uptight or what ever i fucking hate myself i cant stnd being me so what else can i be but uptight

him: not like i hate you ,your uptight but you need to relax a bit

me: well you dont need to hate me plenty of ppl already do, and that doenst even matter cause i hate me and thats enough

him: you shouldnt!

me: haha and why not?

you love me. . .you dont know me!?!?!
the word love is throwin about way to easily. . .love is such a strong emotion, and for me ties deeply in to trust. . .so it takes a lot for me to say i love you. . .but if i do know that i mean it with all of my heart and soul. . .one thing that i do have difficulty with is differentiating between loving someone and being in love with someone. . .any thoughts?. . .

. . .you can never know someone completely. . .as much as you think you know someone, there will always be something you will never find out. . .

"because i said so" or "it sucks to want what you cant have"
in reflection i wish i would have died. . .
i have been put though many tortuous practices in the attempt to control my behavior. . .yes my behavior were drastic though rightly so, but the actions taken to correct and fix me were unjust and above and beyond anything humanitarian, so. . .heres how i almost died
since the begining i have been out though countless counselors and counseling sessions. . .from individual counseling to family counseling i have been through more talking then a public speaker. . .i have had group sessions, drug addiction counseling (not for me, but so as to "deal" with my parents' addictions), many many individual wack jobs that thought they could fix my "family". . .guess what. . .FUCK YOU ALLL YOU ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE, exspecially you family counslers. . .honestly you were all a waste of money and didnt help shit. so after the failed to help, they turned inwards. . .obviously i was all fucked up on the physical inside, not just my in my head. so i was mind fucked. . .i was put though all sort of test, and the conclusion: im manic depressive, bi-polar, and a whole bunch of other shit. ha thats funny i coulda told you that! asshole! the solution: many, many, many pills and medications. . .this had to be the most fucked up time in my life, or at least one of them. i was soo fucked up, i mean i was on like a pound of drugs a day; morning, noon, and night! i almost fucking died off one of these medications, it had some kinda fuckin reaction to my liver or some shit and i wound up in the hospital for like a week! god damn the ironic thing is that i wish i had some of those pills today. so yeah when that failed (failed to cure me or failed to kill me; hmmmm. . .i wonder?) well then they sent me away to boarding school in mex, that was hell, i was like 14 and wouldnt see anybody i knew for the next 3 years. . .for more on that see the "my history. . ." part on my myspace page (http://profiles.myspace.com/users/16990439) . . .im done for now. . .

a new begining of the same old shit. . .
for i have run out of room on my myspace page i have been forced to find another place in which to use as a creative out let. . .once again this is solely for me, yet as i have stated before; i am an open book, yet you read at your own risk. i will be posting a bulliten on myspace everytime i write a new entry, for those of you who care. . .although i doubt there are too many who do. . .that is all for now.